滑稽列傳

Confucius said: 'The six arts serve governance in unity. Ritual regulates people, music promotes harmony, the Documents guide affairs, the Odes express intentions, the Changes work spiritual transformation, and the Spring and Autumn upholds righteousness.' The Grand Historian says: The Way of Heaven is vast — how great it is! Words that subtly hit the mark can also resolve disputes.

Chunyu Kun was an adopted son-in-law of Qi. Less than seven feet tall, he was witty and eloquent. He went on numerous diplomatic missions to the feudal lords and was never humiliated. King Wei of Qi was fond of riddles and given to debauchery and all-night drinking sessions, sunk in dissipation and neglecting governance, having delegated all authority to his ministers. Officials fell into disorder and the feudal lords encroached from all sides. The state was on the verge of destruction, and no one at court dared to remonstrate. Chunyu Kun addressed the king through a riddle: 'In the kingdom there is a great bird perched in Your Majesty's courtyard. For three years it has neither flown nor cried. What bird might this be?' The king replied: 'This bird — when it flies, it will soar to the sky; when it cries, it will astonish the world.' Thereupon the king summoned seventy-two county chiefs to court, rewarded one, executed one, and mobilized the army. The feudal lords were shaken with alarm and returned all the territory they had taken from Qi. His authority endured for thirty-six years.

You Meng was a court performer of Chu. Eight feet tall, quick-witted, and eloquent, he habitually used humor and jest to deliver admonitions. During King Zhuang of Chu's time, the king had a favorite horse which he dressed in embroidered silks, stabled in a magnificent hall, bedded on an exposed couch, and fed with dates and dried meat. The horse grew sick from overfeeding and died. The king ordered his ministers to mourn it and wanted to bury it with the coffin and outer coffin of the rites for a grand officer. His attendants objected, arguing this was improper. The king issued a decree: 'Anyone who dares remonstrate about the horse shall be put to death.' When You Meng heard this, he entered the palace gate, looked up at the sky, and wailed loudly. The king was startled and asked the reason. You Meng said: 'The horse was Your Majesty's beloved. Given the greatness of the state of Chu, what could you not obtain? To bury it with the rites of a grand officer is too mean — I request it be buried with the rites for a sovereign.'

You Zhan was a dwarf court performer of Qin. He was skilled at witty remarks that nonetheless accorded with fundamental principles. During the First Emperor's reign, a banquet was held and it began to rain. The guards standing on the terrace steps were all soaked and freezing. You Zhan saw them and felt pity. He called out to them: 'Would you like a rest?' The guards all said: 'That would be wonderful!' You Zhan said: 'When I call you, answer "Aye!" at once.' After a while, a toast was raised in the palace hall and the cry of 'Ten thousand years!' went up. You Zhan leaned over the balustrade and shouted: 'Terrace guards!' They answered: 'Aye!' You Zhan said: 'You are tall, but what good does it do you? You get to stand in the rain. I am short, but I get to sit at ease indoors.' Thereupon the First Emperor allowed the guards to rotate, with half resting at a time.

The First Emperor once proposed to create an enormous imperial park stretching from Hangu Pass in the east to Yong and Chencang in the west. You Zhan said: 'Excellent! Fill it with wild game. When invaders come from the east, the deer can butt them away — that will be quite sufficient.' The First Emperor abandoned the project.

During Emperor Wu's reign, there was a man of Qi named Dongfang Shuo who was devoted to ancient texts and classical learning, widely read in writings outside the canonical traditions. When Shuo first arrived in Chang'an, he submitted a memorial at the Bureau of Carriages using a total of three thousand bamboo slips. It took two men from the bureau to lift and carry the document. The emperor read it from the top, marking his stopping place each time; it took him two months to finish.

The Grand Historian says: Chunyu Kun threw back his head and laughed, and King Wei of Qi dominated the realm. You Meng shook his head and sang, and the firewood-gatherer received a fief. You Zhan leaned over the balustrade and shouted, and the terrace guards gained half-shifts of rest. Is this not also magnificent!